Torn
by bkozak
Summary: Bella realizes the solution to her Edward/Jacob problem has been inside of her the whole time. She is torn as she juggles the advantages of both lovers and begins to feel more and more decitful to each of them.
1. Chapter 1 wondering

Chapter One

It was mid-June, shortly after my graduation, and I sat on my bed fingering the engagement ring that was stationed on my left ring finger. It sparkled with the glory of the early 1900's and the vintage style was truly all I could have ever asked for. Edward had dropped me off at home, and I was alone for the weekend. He was actually going hunting this time. He had been avoiding it for so long that his eyes were black with thirst and he avoided touching me for the past few hours.

He didn't leave without instruction, of course. He was driving me back from Jacob's. I had just collapsed into Edwards arms slightly after the visit, telling him that he was the one I couldn't live without. Edward told me that by the time he got back from his hunting trip, I had better tell Charlie about my plans to get married. Which was my fault, since I insisted upon the wedding to make everyone happy. Except me.

Now I sat in my room, eyeing the ring with something like disgust. What was I getting married for? I thought of the reason. Just so I could "sleep" with Edward? This wasn't the 20th century anymore. People generally like to know what they're getting before they commit their life- and eternity- to them.

Suddenly, a new wave of emotions overtook me. I realized that only a little over 2 years ago, I was still completely normal. I was living with Renee in Pheonix and still was boy-awkward. Now, I was ready to give up everything for someone who technically didn't even have a heart. I was giving up my family. I may never be able to see Charlie or Renee again. And, I thought selfishly, I would never again see Jacob. My heart fell at the thought and the pain was renewed from the previous meeting with Jacob. We both loved each other. It was clear. But truly I loved Edward more.. differently. His cool, sweet lips, the mystery, the promise of an eternity with him...the mystery...

That's when I thought of something really stupid. Either really stupid, or painfully obvious. I laughed at myself for never thinking of it before. I had taken anatomy class last year.. But surely there may be some oddity that I didn't realize? I thought it over again. Of course. Blood must be pumping.. Down there.. For that certain activity I wanted to take place so bad to happen. Otherwise, it would just be..

But Edward's whole body was hard. Like ice. So this rule obviously couldn't apply to him. Then I thought with a pang, "ice". Ice. Ice didn't seem very appealing all of a sudden. The thought of that cold of a touch suddenly made me shiver, and not with pleasure as usual. I cleared my mind, and just decided not to think of something that stupid again. Edward wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't force marriage upon me without telling me there would be a problem with my end of the deal.

Feeling overly sickened, I rolled over again and again in my bed. It was the dead of night, but I just couldn't sleep. I doubted Charlie was asleep either, after I told him on the verge of tears how my meeting with Jacob went.

Then I just thought of Jacob. I just let myself go for once. I wondered about that night in the tent with Edward and Jacob, when I was zipped into a sleeping bag with a half-naked Jacob, and Edward hearing his every thought. He had told him to stop the fantasies with a growl in his chest. He said Jacob had practically been screaming them in his thoughts. I had almost been dreaming when this happened. Maybe I had been dreaming, but there was no way of knowing. And in thinking about these strange, dreamy moments, I finally began to drift into a sleep peppered with many strange dreams. The kind that were hard to separate from reality.

As the night wore on, I continued to dream these strange dreams where I was always in the same room as Edward and Jacob, feeling torn between them. Taking turns running into each of their arms, and then feeling sorrow that I wasn't in the other's arms.


	2. Chapter 2 change in plans

Chapter Two

I awoke the next morning with a headache. The confusing dreams had physically taken a toll on me. I rolled out of bed, wearing my usual loose-fitting flannel pajamas. It was Monday, and for once Edward hadn't forced the "sleep over" charade on Charlie, probably because it would be a stretch since I just got back from a long "shopping party" with Alice which had actually been a fight involving 20 newborn vampires.

I made my way downstairs, still in my pajamas, and was surprised to see the Charlie was still home. I was used to having the house to myself in the mornings.

"Good Morning, Dad," was all I could think of saying this early.

"Hey Bella. Me and Billy are going to watch the game over here tonight for a change. I don't really feel like imposing on him right now, with Jacob at home in all of his casts."

I began to feel like Charlie was getting at something that involved me. I just sighed and let what would happen happen. I had a large, empty day ahead of me, seeing as Edward and his family actually were all hunting together this time. They felt this was the safest time for such a trip, since all known threats had been eliminated.

"Billy asked me if you could go over and check on Jacob while we're here. You don't have to, I mean, if you're busy," he said, starting to sound irritated.

"Don't worry dad. Edward and his family are camping again." I knew this was a stretch since Charlie was told he had just been "camping" while I was on the shopping trip with Alice.

I recognized his voice become lighter. "Oh, good. Then I guess it won't be a problem. Listen, Billy would really appreciate it. He knows how your presence really lifts Jacob's spirits".

I laughed a bitter laugh inside at this comment. I knew my presence would be anything but spirit-lifting after my last visit with him. I knew I wanted to be with Jacob, but after yesterday.. Talking about the wedding and how he may never want to see me again once I change, I'm sure it would be a little much emotionally.

"Thanks, Bella. Just go over whenever you're ready. He'd love the company."

I walked back up to my room without eating. Now I had to spend the day with Jacob.. Like life wasn't confusing enough already. Juggling two boys that you love around like it was nothing. I stared at my left hand, wedding ring in place, and then my right, wearing the charm bracelet that Jacob made for me. I stared at the little wooden wolf, thinking about Jacob and his too-big hands struggling to make it. Then I saw the hard diamond hanging opposite to it, and thought that my jewelery was unbalanced in Edwards favor, so I guess Jacob had the right to hang out with me today. I thought again about how selfish I was to love two men at the same time. It hurt me inside just as much as it hurt each of them.

I decided to just wear something plain, like a loose fitting, worn out tee-shirt with a band's logo on it that I've never heard of. I pulled my hair into a pony tail and collapsed onto my bed again, trying not to think.

Eventually, the sun was shining brightly into my room and I thought I'd be better off at Jacob's then sitting on my bed and thinking, because my thinking never lead me anywhere good. "I'm going to my friend Jacob's house, just like in the old days." I told myself. I was going to pretend our last meeting didn't happen. I thought about taking the wedding ring off, but I decided not to confuse the poor boy anymore than necessary.

I called out goodbye to my dad as I headed for my truck, and he yelled back a light-hearted goodbye, clearly happy that I wasn't spending the day with Edward for once. I still felt a coward for hiding the marriage thing from him. He wasn't observant enough to notice the ring on my finger, apparently.

My truck roared to life and I started down the road, driving slowly as usual. I crossed the border between Forks and La Push and began to feel a little worried as my car rolled up in front of Jacob's house. I had no idea what to expect.

I showed up at the door and Billy was already there to greet me.

"Hi, Bella! Thanks for coming over. I really do appreciate you coming and giving me the chance to go out and take a break from watching that bed-ridden boy," he winked at me, as if sharing an inside joke, and began wheeling himself outside already.

"Oh, no problem. Leaving already?" I was surprised. The game didn't start until 8:00 and it was only about noon.

"Yeah. It'll be nice to get out of the house. Well, have a good time!"

I felt a lot more comfortable with Billy now, even more so than my own dad, because we understood each other a lot better. We knew each other's secrets.

I saw Jacob sitting on the couch, motioning for me to sit next to him with his good arm. His body was a lot more healed than I though possible; he was only wearing a few bandages here and there on his right side now, but nothing too impairing.

His face lit up like sunshine when he saw me, as if he was trying to pretend I wasn't getting married too. I felt comfort ooze back into me, and a big smile easily crossed my face.

I sat next to him. "Hey Bells," he said, "you look amazing".

I was shocked to hear this, seeing as I went out of my way to look plain today.

He wasted no time by greeting me with a quick, warm kiss on my lips and staring into my eyes. My face immediately turned read, and I was caught off guard. Somehow, though, I involuntarily moved my left had out of sight and smiled back, butterflies secretly flying through my stomach.


	3. Chapter 3 interesting afternoon

Chapter Three

At Jacob's

Jacob saw the slight hand motion I made when he kissed me. He probably could guess what I was "hiding", since he already overheard Edward and I talking about the wedding.

"Alright, let's see it" he sighed, looking a little pleased with himself at the reaction that resulted from his unexpected kiss.

No secrets. Just let him see it.

I extended my hand sheepishly, seeing his jaw visibly drop when he saw the huge diamond set in the gold ring.

"That's just not fair, Bella. I think I should be able to give you something more to balance out the representation on these beautiful two hands of yours.."

He grabbed my left and kissed it softly, then took turns kissing each finger, stopping to kiss the ring finger a little longer than the others. I don't know why, but this was driving me crazy. I had barely just gotten here and Jacob was pulling his act already!

I sighed and pulled my hand away slowly, not wanting to hurt his feelings, and finally asked, "So...what are we doing today anyway? I see I was kind of fooled, thinking I was actually coming over here to take care of a boy all wrapped up in casts".

He laughed light-heartedly, and said "Well, I was thinking a movie. I've got two here.. Ladies choice!" He held out two movies. One was the original Dracula. The other was a movie about a werewolf who terrorized humans. I couldn't help laughing at his choice in movies.

"Very clever, Jacob.. Given these choices, I think I'd actually like to go with the werewolf movie."

"I knew you'd chose the werewolf over the vampire sometime" he winked, and I rolled my eyes playfully. Then, my stomach growled loudly. I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day.

"Perfect!" Jacob exclaimed. "I'm hungry too. I'll go whip something up. You start the movie, I'll be back soon. Don't you go anywhere!" He instructed, hopping off the couch far faster than any person who had just shattered half the bones in their body should be able to.

Soon after the beginning credits were finished rolling, he was back with a platter of food. It had what seemed to be at least 30 little sandwiches among other things crowding the large plate. I looked up incredulously, but then remembered how big his appetite was. It was nice having a boy to make food for me without being nauseated by the ingredients. Pretty soon, all I could stand would be fresh blood, too.

"Thanks Jacob!" I took one of the sandwiches, and nibbled on it. It was absolutely delicious. I only managed to eat four, but the entire plate was empty within 15 minutes. Then we settled into watching the silly movie.

I snuggled close to Jacob, his arm naturally around me. After the movie was about half way done, Jacob had an idea.

"Hey bella," he said, "I thought there might be one thing you'd like to try with me before you're a bloodsucker. Just a regular, human way to have fun".

He popped up and ran to the kitchen, back in seconds with what was two large cups of what looked like juice. Then I smelled it, and realized what it was.

"Oh no Jake. Come on, you know I'm against drinking. Especially underage. You're only 16!"

He laughed. "So what? I have the body of a 25 year old, and since I can't have any real fun with you," he winked, "I thought we'd try something that Edward wouldn't tear me apart for."

Then, for some odd reason, I though what the hell? It'll only be once. I might as well get all my human experiences in while I could.. It'd all be over in a few months. I took the cup and sipped. It was a weak drink. I could tell Jacob wasn't trying to pull anything sly, just honestly relax with me a little bit.

We finished watching the movie, and by the end I slowly finished my drink. It had effected me a little more than I thought it would, but it felt a little pleasant. Suddenly, I wasn't worried about anything. Here I was with someone I loved, having a good time. Jacob had the same amount as me, but I could tell he wasn't effected because he was at least three times my size.

Funny how that dizzy feeling makes you want to be nearer to a person.

I snuggled up closer against him, and felt warm all over.

"Oh Jake, I'm glad I came. I'm having a good time!" I laughed, more loudly than usual. So free of all my cares.

"I'm glad you chose to celebrate graduation with me like a normal human. It's nice, huh?"

I agreed, and inched closer to his face. I started to feel even more effected now. Things came out of my mouth that I normally would hide or not even think of, but it flew out like I couldn't keep it in if I tried.

"You know, Jake, you really have an advantage being so warm. I'm used to cuddling a statue. And having to be careful when I even kiss my boyfriend".

"More like your fiancee..." he commented, staring at my ring again.

"Will you stop worrying yourself over this silly thing like I am?" Then I took the ring and ripped it off my finger, dangling it drunkenly in front of his face, then placing it on the table next to the couch.

He gasped audibly, and stared at me , wondering what to do next. He knew that something was wrong with the way that I was acting, but he seemed to like it.

He leaned in ever so slightly, inclined toward my lips. I was in no mood to hold back. I quickly pressed my lips sloppily against his, not thinking anything in particular, except that we had the house to ourselves.

In seconds, my hands were tangled in Jacobs hair just like when I kissed Edward. It was a furiously passionate kiss, my body finally rejoicing at the chance to not hold back. I was lying on top of him, his hands rested lightly on my back. His head too was moving furiously with the kiss. I suddenly was pleased with myself, lying on top of this tall, warm man. I had no remorse at this point, feeling dizzy with pleasure and drink. Such a shallow happiness, but happiness nonetheless.

I stared at him with shaky eyes, moving his hands to the bottons of my blouse. My smoldering eyes told him what to do next, but his hands were shaking.

"Bella. I can't do this. I respect you and your choice".

"Tonight I'm choosing you. Don't worry, I won't tell."

"I just can't".

At that point, I didn't care. I undid the bottons for him, my heart racing. I had never even gone this far with Edward. And suddenly I was there before Jacob, my top unbuttoned, bra visible. He began shaking more now. Something wasn't right. He moved his hand up to my breast and just placed it there with an undecipherable look on his face. He looked puzzled, or like he was fighting an internal battle. He drew the other hand up, but now his whole body was vibrating a little. Suddenly he removed his hands, ripped off his shirt, and flew off the couch. I saw him start unbuttoning his pants, but he was out of the house in a split second. I was left there, stupidly sitting with no shirt on the couch.


End file.
